The Fellowship comes out of the closet
by happy molecule
Summary: I like Bing Lee!.......................................................................Everyone but Aragorn is gay.


A/N: Blame my sis for this. She came up with the pairings (except for Elrond/Gollum, I stole that off someone else. Sorry to whoever you are!) and a lot of the ideas. I was merely the writer. Oh and by the way, necrofaunaphilia is when you fuck a dead animal. And the phrase "good efening" belongs to my friend, Jin Jin.

Once upon a time there was a hobbit. That was gay. His name was Sam. He was gay. P.S. He was gay. Then he met Frodo, and they became gay together. And so they took the advice of Mr Lamington the Third, aka Frodo's fart. They decided to come out of the closet. And so they set off on their journey to find the closet doors. Along the way they met Gandalf. He was naked. Frodo had a heart attack from the sight and instantly died. Sam rejoiced. Frodo had been frigid. Then Gandalf began to pash Sam, and soon the pair were making out. Ew. 

Along came Treebeard. He was so absorbed in the sky that he didn't see where he was going, and he stepped on Sam, who died.

"THE SKY IS GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!" cried Treebeard.

"You fool of a tree!" Gandalf cursed. 

The pair immediately started making babies. Even though they're both gay and one is a tree. Then Treebeard fell off the bed and died.

Enter Pippin.

Gandalf, who was old and therefore senile, mistook Pippin for Treebeard and began paedophiling him. Pippin got a bit excited and kicked Gandalf off the bed, where he found Frodo's dead body. Upon discovering that Frodo was, in fact, a dog, Gandalf began to necrofaunaphile him. Unfortunately Gandalf screamed with pleasure so loud that the glass ceiling above him shattered, causing a piano to fall on his head and kill him.

Pippin shrugged and decided to continue with Frodo's quest to find the closet doors to come out of. And so he walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked a whole two metres before finding Merry.

"Good efening!" greeted Merry. Pippin instantly fell in love with him.

"Let us be married!" he plighted his troth. They ran off into the sunset. Unfortunately, along the way, they tripped over Gimli who was deflowering Legolas, and fell down a cliff. Neither Legolas nor Gimli noticed. Suddenly Legolas' stomach swelled up, and he began experiencing violent stomach cramps. 

"You're having a baby!" Gimli announced happily and rushed him to the expert care of Elrond, but got lost along the way and ended up in Isengard, where they had a foursome with Saruman and Wormtongue. It was fun for all.

Meanwhile, Elrond was engaging in carnal acts of sodomy with Figwit. He was definitely having fun. Figwit, although he never said much, was great at talking dirty, and as a result, Elrond was randy. Very randy. Then Figwit got so happy that he died from auto-erotic asphyxiation. Elrond was quite annoyed. Who the hell was he going to engage in carnal acts of sodomy with now?! He couldn't very well do himself. At his age, anyways. So he got up and began to walk, copulating with anything that moved along the way. Except for trees, of course. He was a Noldor, after all. He had _dignity_. 

After quite some time, Elrond reached a stream, understandably exhausted. But, to his surprise, he was not alone. One the other side of the river was Gollum, who was consummating his recent marriage to Sméagol. Elrond watched with wide-eyed interest. He didn't know you could do _that_! 

Gollum noticed Elrond and was instantly enamoured by the half-elven's beauty. H paddled across the river and handed Elrond a bouquet of pink flowers. Elrond accepted the, simultaneously raising and eyebrow and batting his eyelashes. The two got married and lived happily ever after.

On the other side of the fence, the grass was not greener. In fact, it was non-existent. This was not surprising, considering the fence was 200 metres underground in a dwarven pub. Gloin giggled hysterically.

"You're name is GROIN! GROIN!!!"

"So? You're name is GLOIN! What the hell kind of name is that?!" Groin retaliated.

"At least I'm not named after a body part!"

The pair stared at each other with unmasked hatred and began to do it doggy style so they could both watch x-files.

At the mention of x-files, Gandalf magically revived. He had not yet done his task. Or rather, he had not yet done Faramir. Knowing it was illegal to drink and drive (because of the risk of spilling your drink); Gandalf smoked and flew to Minas Tirith, where he was met by a sobbing Faramir.

"My daddy loves Boromir more than meeeee!" He wailed. Listening to Denethor's moans of pleasure, Gandalf could guess why. But his attention was soon drawn back to the heart-breakingly sad, adorable, gorgeous, sexy-he shook his head-back to Faramir. Gandalf placed a re-assuring hand on the young man's shoulder. 

"Come Faramir. I can fulfil your sadomasochistic and sponge fetishes and make you the happiest man alive."

"Really?" Faramir looked up at Gandalf hopefully. Gandalf nodded and led him into a bedroom. And, sure enough, Gandalf fulfilled all of Faramir's sadomasochistic and sponge fetishes and made him the happiest man alive.

Arwen looked at the scandalous orgies around her and shook her head. This was appalling. Eowyn walked towards her, dodging randomn pieces of flying clothing. She made a face similar to Arwen's.

"My husband is experimenting with bondage with a hairy, senile paedophile!"

"I don't even know where my husband is!"

Eowyn patted her on the head twice.

"There, there."

Suddenly Arwen caught sight of a door. A closet door, to be exact. 

"Do you want to see where it goes, A'maelamin?" She asked.

Eowyn shrugged.

"Sure, Lirimaer. Anything to get out of this debaucherous hell-hole. 

So the pair, hand in hand, walked out of the closet and into the path of a speeding truck.

THE END...

A'maelamin - My beloved

Lirimaer - Lovely one.


End file.
